Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited