The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
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Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Social distancing in Australia:
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.