I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
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Why crush your kid’s imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy “doesn’t exist” when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[on Wheel of Fortune]
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__
Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Studio audience: *groans*
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
If you keep a pen in your mouth when you’re on your computer no one asks if you’re busy.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse