@lustandIove

dropping hints like

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@AimeeHelene1

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

@rolldiggity

Why crush your kid’s imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy “doesn’t exist” when you can just have her leave a suicide note?

@PhuckinCody

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

@roggyie

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

@Darlainky

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

@UnFitz

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

@fro_vo

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

@AnOrangeSNES

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

@Rachelnoise

If you keep a pen in your mouth when you’re on your computer no one asks if you’re busy.