[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
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That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
groan^2
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?