Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
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For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
All set.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.