Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
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DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I have a type: disappointing
scrabbled eggs
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.