[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
You Might Also Like
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
[eats all your cotton candy]
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.