@krissywillbretz

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

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@Jordan_Morris

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

@xysist

Cauliflower is just cabbage rocking an afro.

@unmehlievable

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

@BuiltToTopple

You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.

*points at hotel towels*

@shiksaaa

My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.

Awkward.

@sofarrsogud

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

@Donna_McCoy

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

@MariyaAlexander

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

@junejuly12

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough