@krissywillbretz

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

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@TheMichaelRock

Me: Got a hot date this weekend?

Coworker: Ummm…no.

Me: I know. I was just reminding you.

Coworker….

@TheOfficialTed

Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy’s fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney’s fault.

@portmanteauface

[before police questioning]

MOB BOSS: You don’t wanna find out what we do if you break omertà, we’ll take out your whole family if you give any of us up to those pigs

RICK ASTLEY: how many times do we have to go over this

@bonehugsnirony

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

@Ideal_Victoria

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

@internetmo

No, actually I’d love to hear about last night’s episode of that show I just told you I don’t watch

@iatemuggles

“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille

@hexprax

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

@dadofbieber

Daughter 1: Dad, I’m lesbian. Daughter 2: Me too
dad. Dad: Doesn’t anyone like guys here? Son: I
do?.