[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

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lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner


ME: This man’s robbing me
COP: No he’s not
M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber’s hand on wallet* come on why aren’t you robbing now


[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted


Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.


Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!


cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: “do you know y i pulled u over?” Me: “because Batman is catching all the criminals”


People are so wasteful…I found a perfectly good hair brush while sifting through my neighbor’s trash last night.