@TheDairylandDon

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

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@zachreinert03

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

@DothTheDoth

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

@MourningGlory_

Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.

JK

It was me.

@Robert_Beau

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

@tacsanitchiban

My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.

@StephenKing

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

@ArfMeasures

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board u
ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Oh shit

@KevinBuffalo

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

@primawesome

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

@LMHPhotog

Teach a fish to catch a MAN, and you’ve got a blockbuster horror movie idea under your belt.