My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
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As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.
It was me.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board u
ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Oh shit
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home
Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Teach a fish to catch a MAN, and you’ve got a blockbuster horror movie idea under your belt.