*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
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“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”