*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
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As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
peak technology
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class