The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
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My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad