*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
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I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
is nasa ok
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.