*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
starting a garage orchestra
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.