*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

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The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.


If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems


The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.


it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind


if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.


*watching a scary movie*

7 y/o daughter: They’re just people in masks, right Dad?

*blankets pulled over my head* “Sure, if you say so”


Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat


Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.


[Extremely heavy metal voice]