@squirrel74wkgn

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

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@KevinBuffalo

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

@BoogTweets

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

@KentWGraham

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

@ginarush

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

@chrissyteigen

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

@Cpin42

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

@Mr_Kapowski

*watching a scary movie*

7 y/o daughter: They’re just people in masks, right Dad?

*blankets pulled over my head* “Sure, if you say so”

@oakhillbargrill

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

@impaulmccoy

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

@Mom_Overboard

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY