@squirrel74wkgn

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

You Might Also Like

@LazyChank

Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.

@fiImsbi

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

@KentWGraham

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

@FredTaming

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

@tracietom

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

@JackeeHarry

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

@murrman5

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

@sad_tree

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?