*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
You Might Also Like
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.