[drops phone in toilet]
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Yes my dude
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?