@Super_Cynthia

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

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@TheTweetOfGod

1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.

@curlycomedy

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

@aissalanis

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

@SnarkyMommy78

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

@MarlonBrandNO

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

@fro_vo

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

@Jake_Vig

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

@cravin4

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

@Brampersandon_

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*