[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
You Might Also Like
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Yeah. This was me today.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I have never related to anyone more.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
incredible book dedication
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.