*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
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I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO