“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: … V-Verizon.