@CAshmanActor

[drops the bass]

[gets fired from fishmongers]

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@RoosterMustache

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like “hey thanks” and I’m like “I’m just happy to be a part of this nice community”

@cbdoubleu

[hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here’s a basket ball

@LackOfShame

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

@HiddenPinky

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

@TheBoydP

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

@Ygrene

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

@TwinSurvivalist

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?