My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like “hey thanks” and I’m like “I’m just happy to be a part of this nice community”
[drops the bass]
[gets fired from fishmongers]
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[hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here’s a basket ball
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
*Puts the band back together
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
*hides bag of steaks*
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
DOES HOLY WATER WORK ON OBNOXIOUS CHILDREN
sorry, fb is still the best website
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?