[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
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When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
So inspired right now.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.