[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
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I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My therapist after every session
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!