My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.