me: what’s ur favorite word?
her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
– me trying to eat with chopsticks.
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Me: My daughters are 15, 13, and 10.
Her: Do you want more kids?
Her: Is that a no?
Me: *Deep breathe* Hahahahahaha
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
*Takes kids for sushi before seeing “Finding Dory”*