@usermcuserface

(Drops)
Damn it
(Drops)
Damn it
(Drops)
Damn it
(Stabs it)
(Drops)
Damn it

– me trying to eat with chopsticks.

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@PhuckinCody

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

@KindOfASmartass

Me: My daughters are 15, 13, and 10.

Her: Do you want more kids?

Me: Hahahahahahahaha

Her: Is that a no?

Me: *Deep breathe* Hahahahahaha

@WheelTod

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

@eileencurtright

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

@PAT_E_ROCK

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

@SteveSuckington

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

@karlainvt

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

@TheToddWilliams

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately