Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
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Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
can I use a minion as a tampon
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Meanwhile in Portland…
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes