Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
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Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I got soap in my shower beer again.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.