Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
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Kanye West can’t wait to be the best man at his wedding.
Debra is short for Debrassiere
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Suspicion: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Vampire who is obsessed with his diet.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: I’m an AMAZING listener.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.