Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

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Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.


I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.


[Arouses Suspicion]

Suspicion: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.


Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.


I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.


Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: I’m an AMAZING listener.


Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.