Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

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me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious


Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.


I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.


Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac


Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies


A good way to make friends with someone is to break into their house at night and clean it


I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.


Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted
Wife: Ya?
Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works
Me: No way a baby’s gettin in here.


I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.