[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
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I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”