Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
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I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday