Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
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Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.