Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Why font matters.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
🤣🤣
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Venn
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.