Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
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TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Yes my dude