DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
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White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Not all heroes wear capes.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!