DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
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It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.