I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
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a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.