[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
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Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
When someone trying to leave me
😂 amazing answer
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
the icebreaker
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.