LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
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Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.