Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
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7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Nice try, poison.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*