no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
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Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Anime is real
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.