NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
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After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
If it was the choice between having the last pizza on earth or the last sex on earth, which toppings would you have on your pizza.
Me:I need to focus on work
Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning?
Me:Yeah that was sweet
Brain: Let’s sing that instead