Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
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What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.