@jazmasta

Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is “why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?”

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@VapingSonic

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

@Maxine12339

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

@detroit_et

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

@AndyAsAdjective

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

@shutupmikeginn

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

@CatsVsHumanity

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

@capnwatsisname

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*