instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
You Might Also Like
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”