[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
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I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….