@Marcmywords2

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

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@BaneTheBOSS

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”

@AnotherFunnyGuy

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

@dubstep4dads

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

@ChickenFrecklez

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

@ilovepie84

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

@PhilJamesson

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

@LeonInNewJersey

I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.

She really caught my Fancy.

@LizerReal

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.