What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
My IQ? With google or without?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.
She really caught my Fancy.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.