Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”