@DaddyJew

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

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@DrawingShadows

Answer: Marijuana

Question: Why am I sitting here on the couch eating ice cream with a fork, watching Telemundo and wearing one sock?

@Sickayduh

Professor: “Did you just show up drunk to my exam?”

No way

“Hungover then?”

Nope

“There’s a lime wedge on your face”

@mrtruthandsoul

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

@lyric_intent

The most awkward part of being the first person to write something down, was then explaining to everyone that they were now illiterate

@causticbob

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

@AJslackie2

I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.

@bombsydoll

milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw

@ItsDanSheehan

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

@Annoyedworld

I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that’s why my tattoo is hot nurse.

-LA Ink.

@laurajennyjo

I’m gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit