Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

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Answer: Marijuana

Question: Why am I sitting here on the couch eating ice cream with a fork, watching Telemundo and wearing one sock?


Professor: “Did you just show up drunk to my exam?”

No way

“Hungover then?”


“There’s a lime wedge on your face”


I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.


The most awkward part of being the first person to write something down, was then explaining to everyone that they were now illiterate


Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.


I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.


milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw


My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming


I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that’s why my tattoo is hot nurse.

-LA Ink.


I’m gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit