Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*