@snatch_stache

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

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@camel_racer

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

@timdonakowski

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

@rob5373

[Bags packed, leaving the ex]
Ex:”I hope you have a slow and painful death!”
Me:”So now you want me to stay?”

@GrantTanaka

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

@tastefactory

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

@StellaRtwot

I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.

@rachaelkelly18

The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today

@RadWizzy

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

@InternetHippo

If you bought more toilet paper than you need legally I’m allowed to come poop at your house