@snatch_stache

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

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@AnimeVibxs

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

@Zombieionism

Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.

@Elizasoul80

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

@Trendingjoey

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

@kind_ofa_bitch

In the Uk, 50 shades of Gray, isn’t a sexy book, it’s the weather report.

@eff_yeah_steph

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

@causticbob

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

@foxnerdrn

Why is it that when your dog brings you things he’s killed it’s cute, but when I do it we have to get the police involved?