Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
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Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.