“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
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Quadruple digit IQ
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Not all heroes wear capes….
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.