Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
You Might Also Like
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that