@ReeseButCallMeV

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

@Cheeseboy22

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

@pilau

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

@LoveNLunchmeat

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

@MarcusTheToken

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

@beefman138

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

@AbiWilks

Twitter is a cool place to have friendly, open conversations with a small group of people in front of hundreds of online enemies who’re watching intently for you to make some sort of screenshottable error

@batkaren

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

@daemonic3

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

@Reverend_Scott

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude