Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
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Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.