Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
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The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Twitter is a cool place to have friendly, open conversations with a small group of people in front of hundreds of online enemies who’re watching intently for you to make some sort of screenshottable error
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude