Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
You Might Also Like
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Happy Thanksgiving
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything