EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
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just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?