Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
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I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
He just like my cat fr
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.