Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
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masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.