drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
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Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now