Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
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the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Mouse
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.