Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
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Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My dog learned how to text
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail