@Darlainky

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

You Might Also Like

@Gupton68

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

@perlmutations

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

@Burnam1

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

@juliussharpe

If Apple has taught me anything, it’s wait to see the “Steve Jobs” movie until they release a second version.

@TheAndrewNadeau

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

@Sean_Burgundy_

Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?

Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk

@JustMeTurtle

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

@JD_KC

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

@ReticentTurnip

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

@SwedishCanary

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…