Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

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Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?


I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.


My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes


If Apple has taught me anything, it’s wait to see the “Steve Jobs” movie until they release a second version.


RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*


Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?

Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk


Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*


Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere


As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks


Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…